This weekend I felt tired and a bit under siege since I've had so much going on the past couple weeks. I had a couple things I should have gone to, but stayed put to rest and try to get some things done around the house.
My friend Jason often urges me to purposely set a day aside to do nothing. I find it hard to do this since I'm most productive getting stuff done around the house during the weekend. It's so rewarding to actually see some change after a full weekend of organizing.
This weekend consisted mostly of busy work, so by the time Sunday night rolled around it didn't feel like I had done much. Never the less I decided to sit down and watch a movie. Garden State one of my favorites and I haven't watched it in a while, so it got the nod this evening. I love how the characters interact with each other. It also transports me through time as different parts of the movie remind of different times in life as well as current struggles. There about three spots where I become very emotional. Even though I know the parts are coming the same emotions come gurgling up just as strong as ever. Bet this telling me something, eh?
One of these moments when Sam and Largeman are burying Jelly the hamster. Sam says a few last words ending with something to the effect of "and I hope you liked me". This hits close to home for me. I'm good at fixing things and it seems people always find my phone number when they need something done, but aren't so quick to find it when looking for some company. After a while it gets pretty hard to miss. In recent years this situation has improved, but I still find it extremely difficult to feel connected to other people. One of the big struggles of my life. Well, back to the movie ... Depending on my mood when this scene rolls along, I'll either hit pause and let myself have a good cry, which helps me process the powerful memories/feelings that come rushing to the fore, or I'll let the movie continue playing and let the feelings dissipate after a few minutes. On a related note, for many years I couldn't listen to the theme music for Cheer's without feeling profoundly sad inside for the same reason, I didn't see myself as having a place where " ... everybody knows your name and everyone's glad you came ..."
In the last year or so it's hit me that the people at work seem to like me and see me as doing a good job. Times are tough for universities in Michigan, I'm a totally at will employee, the first to go if budgets come up short. Still they've kept me on. This has buoyed my confidence in myself. Lest you think I'm building my sense of self-worth around something as fleeting as a job, let me say I don't think I'm doing that. I do think I feel part of a team and am making a valuable contribution, something I haven't felt for a long time. I think it's a good thing and a healthy thing to build on the emotional energy this creates and use it as a springboard to get other parts of my life into order.
