Honesty

I've had a few situations come up over the past week that have gotten me to thinking about the whole topic of honesty.

I personally value friends who are straight up with me in a constructive sort of way vs. a backhanded hurtful kind of way. I struggle with how to achieve this balance within my sphere of friends and how to interact with folks who don't see things this way.

Last week I became part of a discussion about a fellow's dating habits. Every time he gets a girlfriend he spends every waking moment with her, in turn dumping his friends and other interests. Eventually, the relationship collapses under this weight and he's without a girlfriend for a while. Everyone has done this at some point in their life and most have learned the lesson to take things at a more measured pace when it comes to dating and friendship. Unfortunately, it seems he's not getting it and keeps making the same mistake over and over again.

I asked if anyone had actually talked with him about this and attempted to offer some friendly advice. They all shuddered at the thought and said, "Never! It's his life and his business. It's not for us to intrude into his life. Besides, even if we did, he wouldn't listen anyway". I wasn't suggesting that they try to run his life, just a tactful heart to heart on basic relationship skills. It seems to me, especially in parts of the New Testament, that scripture calls us to do this sort of thing with fellow believers. Yet, I think our cultural norms work against this, to the point that when we read the pertinent scriptures on this topic we just glance right over them.

Ever met someone who has a glaring social deficit, say poor hygiene? Everyone talks about them and usually avoids them. Does anyone ever stop and tenderly suggest to them that if they took a shower more often it would open up a new world to them? Are we really loving them by "giving them their space" or saying "I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings". I would venture no.

Once in college I had become depressed during the summer and fallen into the bad habit of not showering for 2 or 3 days at a stretch. Our campus group met in an apartment that summer and often hung out together afterwards. One evening found Sammy and myself sitting on a picnic bench looking at the sky. With a bit of apprehension he asked if he could ask me a personal question. I said, "Sure", and he proceeded to tell me that I stunk and others in the group didn't like to hang around me because of it. He asked a bit about my family as well, perceptive on his part, as my living situation at the time not so good. Did I feel hurt? Sure. It hurts to hear this kind of thing, and yes I avoided Sammy for a couple weeks after our conversation. Did I make sure I took a shower everyday the rest of the summer? You bet, and after a couple weeks I came to appreciate the risk Sammy took in reaching out to me and thanked him for making me aware. I had always liked Sammy anyways and my respect for him grew after getting over the initial emotional reaction to the bad news.

I try to reach out to others, when appropriate, just like Sammy did to me that day. I see it as part of my responsibility to fellow believers and my fellow man. It helped that I had gotten to know Sammy some over the summer, making it easier for me to accept his advice. I try to keep a couple things in mind when I'm thinking about approaching another person. Do I know them well enough to have earned their respect in the area I'm thinking of confronting them about? Have I spent enough time around them to understand the context surrounding the area I thinking of talking to them about? Having achieved these relationship thresholds before confronting a particular person will dramatically increase the chances of the advice falling on receptive ears. No one likes a know it all or someone falsely accusing them/making snap judgments without the benefit of the full picture. The better we know a person the less likely we are to fall into these pitfalls when dispensing unsolicited advice.